Late Night Snark: Real Page-Turner Edition
"Donald Trump announced a deal to endorse a 60-dollar God Bless the USA Bible. This is coming as a surprise to no one. Making a profit is Trump's religion. As his Jesus famously said: 'It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you pay me four easy installments of $19.95—act now, disciples are standing by!' … I believe the God Bless the USA Bible is the best holy scripture named after a country song since the Take This Job and Shove It Bhagavad Gita."
—Stephen Colbert
"Trump selling the Bible? That's like if Mike Pence was selling copies of Fifty Shades of Grey."
—Jimmy Fallon
Happy Holy Week, Donald. Instead of selling Bibles, you should probably buy one. And read it, including Exodus 20:14.
—Liz Cheney
Continued...
You are now below the fold. Watch out for Easter Bunny poo-poo.
"In his speech about the collapse of Baltimore's Francis Scott Key Bridge, President Biden said that the federal government would pay the entire cost of rebuilding, and added: 'I expect Congress to support the effort.' After all, Ted Cruz needs something to live under."
—Seth Meyers
"Look, of course America's infrastructure is in need of updating. But I don’t think this is the proof. Falling down is kinda what you expect a bridge to do when a giant cargo ship slams into it. If your grandma gets body-slammed by The Rock, you're not gonna blame her broken bones on a calcium deficiency."
—The Daily Show's Jordan Klepper, on right-wing fearmongers blaming the bridge collapse on "whatever is most convenient to them."
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"The fucking entitled arrogance. I don’t know if you know this, but most people can't just commit fraud and expect to face no repercussions. Try getting a car loan by saying you have ten times as much money as you really do. Or claim twenty dependents when you have no children. Or say you make slightly less money to qualify for food assistance. I guarantee you there are not just financial consequences for those lies, but criminal ones. But don’t tell that to the investment community. In their minds there is no rule that cannot be bent, no principle that cannot be undercut, as long as you and your fucking friends are making money."
—Jon Stewart, on ultra-rich investors and right-wing business pundits complaining about the financial judgment against Trump for real-estate and tax fraud
And four years ago this week, after the 45th President of the United States made this pre-Easter promise: “You’ll have packed churches all over our country. I think it’ll be a beautiful time”...
“[T]he president, for once, appears to have listened to someone. Despite originally saying everybody would be back to work by Easter, he announced he'll extend social-distancing guidelines through April 30th. I'm honestly surprised he didn’t just say he's moving Easter: 'I spoke to Jesus. He said, sir, if you need to move Easter, I will wait to rise again.' "
—Jimmy Kimmel
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 29, 2024
Note: C&J is moving! Starting next week, we’ll be partying like it’s 2005 as we start posting again exclusively in the diaries. So watch for the C&J ducky logo on the “Recent Stories” list Monday thru Thursday mornings around 7:50 ET—and Friday evenings, as usual, at 7:20. Then rec it up. My bucket list goal is to have an entire week of C&Js on the Trending list at the same time. Let’s go, team! —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the great eclipse of 2024, which will drift right across Maine: 10
Days 'til the start of Spring SF Restaurant Week in San Francisco: 7
Percent of U.S. adults who attended church services every week or nearly every week in 2004: 42%
Percent who say they attend church weekly or near-weekly today: 30%
Increase in home prices over the past decade, adjusted for inflation: 60%
Current asking price for the iconic "wedding cake house" in Kennebunk, Maine: $2.7 million
Number of times you could circle the globe with the 16 billion jelly beans that'll be eaten at Easter time: 3
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
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CHEERS to shiny happy people. Some good news on the consumer confidence front, as We The People enjoy, thanks to Bidenomics, a little more of the proverbial skip to our lou. (Or is that loo? But then, why would anyone skip to a toilet? Never mind, this is getting complicated.) The University of Michigan’s Consumer Confidence Index index for March registered a whopping 28% increase in happiness versus a year ago, and rose nearly three points from February. Looking at my translation chart, that means we've gone from "propitious” to "unprodigous." Another good month like this and we might soar all the way up to "plucky."
CHEERS to holiday fevuh! 2024 years ago today (or thereabouts), a bunch of Roman thugs nailed a rabbi to a cross while the filthy rabble with six teeth among them and a combined IQ of 12 allegedly watched Jesus Christ suffer and moan and dehydrate and bleed to death in the baking sun while clutching his God Bless the USA Bible. I'll never understand why Christians call it “Good Friday.” Sounds more like Monday to me.
Then, two days from today is Easter Sunday, which is notable for two things: the day the aforementioned Christ the Savior rose from the dead, and the day Lenny the tomb attendant checked into rehab.
JEERS to taking your non-existent relationship too far.
Forty-three years ago tomorrow, on March 30, 1981, President Ronald Reagan, along with Press Secretary James Brady, police officer Thomas Delahanty and Secret Service agent Timothy McCarthy, got shot by some whackjob (now a free man at 68) who wanted to present a dead-president-skin rug to Jodie Foster as a wedding gift. At first they didn’t think Reagan's wound was serious, but something about losing half his blood prompted a diversion to George Washington Medical Center. The rest ("Honey, I forgot to duck," "I hope you're all Republicans") is history. By the way, anyone care to take a guess as to what group the president from the now-union-hating party was lavishing praise on at the Washington Hilton that day? The AFL-CIO. Don’t that just boggle the mind.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to escaping hell in a handbasket. 258 years ago this week, in April of 1766, the first fire escape was patented—it consisted of a wicker basket lowered by a pulley and chain. Of course they've evolved a lot since then. The new wicker fire escape baskets have GPS and a cup holder.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If you adjust your rabbit ears just right, you’ll find a few things to hippity-hop about on the tube this Easter weekend. Our picks tonight are the latest on the Trump indictment and Tuesday’s election victories on MSNBC, new Penn & Teller: Fool Us! on The CW, a The Office marathon on Comedy Central, and you can join me at #allstartrek starting at 8 for live-tweeting of the original Star Trek classic Amok Time (airing on the H&I network), during which Spock returns to Vulcan to fight for his betrothed.
Meanwhile the most popular movies and streamers, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, you'll find the NCAA women's and men's Madness d’ le March info here and here, and hooray we can add the Major League Baseball schedule back again. Ramy Youssef hosts SNL.
I don’t know if Pope Francis is doing his Easter morning service or not, but if he is it’ll be aired on every channel starting around 3am. (Do tell me how much you enjoyed it when we meet up here Monday morning.) Later on 60 Minutes: an update on “Havana Syndrome,” and the extreme sport called “Indian Relay.”
But the elephant in the room on TV this weekend is the 54th annual pre-Easter airing of Cecil B. DeMille's bladder buster The Fifteen Ten Commandments tomorrow night—for FIVE freaking hours—on ABC, featuring the mom from The Munsters as Moses' wife and music by the guy who also scored Airplane! and Ghostbusters. Remember: if you get up from your couch to pee at any time between 7pm and midnight, God says you’re going straight to Hell. And after a new episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, John Oliver wraps up the weekend with another edition of Last Week Tonight at 11 on HBO.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Reps. James Clyburn (D-SC) and Don Bacon (MAGA Cult-NE).
This Week: Sen. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD); former CENTCOM commander Gen. Frank McKenzie.
Face the Nation: Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg; Democratic Baltimore Mayor Brandon Scott; Rep. Mike Turner (MAGA Cult-OH); D.C. Bishop Mariann Budde on why Episcopalians put on the best pancake suppers. (Don’t deny it, people.)
CNN's State of the Union: Gov. Wes Moore (D-MD); Sen. Raphael Warnock (D-GA); Rep. Mike Lawler (MAGA Cult-NY);
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Rick Ssssssscott (MAGA Cult-FL); Rep. Ro Khanna (D-CA).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 29, 2014
"AVE MARIA, BABY" to the POTUS and the Pontiff. While conservative Catholics here seethed, President Obama and the First Lady visited with the Pope today. After exchanging gifts, they took the escalator down to the Vatican cafeteria to look for Virgin Marys in the grilled cheese sandwiches. During their discussion on topics ranging from immigration to sexytime precautions, Francis let out a sigh and said, "Benedict, I know you're there, I can hear you breathing." How he keeps getting into the heating duct no one knows.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Bill in Portland Maine: Prediction Man! I wish to point out that two years ago tomorrow I linked to this story about President Biden's unprecedented commitment to putting forth a diverse slate of super-qualified judicial nominees to counter his predecessor’s four-year campaign of throwing super-unqualified mostly white men onto various federal benches. In three years Joe's gotten a whopping 190 judges confirmed, the majority of them women and over half of them minorities. I also posted a photo and a caption, and we're posting it three years later, as it originally appeared, to prove yet again that my technologically-advanced prediction powers are downright scary…
Am I a total genius for calling it? I’ll defer to my higher authority...
[Shakes Magic 8 Ball]
"You're An Old Man Who Yells At Squirrels. Don't Push Your Luck, Gramps." I'll take that as a yes.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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